call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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