definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
