how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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