I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
