Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
That's how pantless uber rides happen
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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