Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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