Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Randomize
