when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
