I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
