i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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