Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
