everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
