Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
