Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
