I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize