theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
