she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
