So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
