Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
