u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
