There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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