I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
