Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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