Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize
