he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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