shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize