worst night to have a conscience
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
