i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
