Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
