Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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