Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
