hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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