Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
