Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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