no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
