Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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