if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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