it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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