My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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