mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
