I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
