Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
