I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize