She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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