I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
that's an acceptable place to lick
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
This is classic penis vs brain.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
