I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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