So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
