fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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