So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
