PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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