Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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