Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
