Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
