george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
