We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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