I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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